How to manage negative feelings: PAUSES model


Series videos - belong to the book 'Create your passionate career':

Negative feelings are the results of your reactions in a particular circumstances and you are the ones who perceive and feel that. Other people may see that but feel in different ways. Knowing negative feelings are contextually constructed by you, you can change it. Therefore, the big question is that which feelings that don’t benefit for your life anymore. If now you spend 10 minutes to list all the times you have emotions that lead to bad results, you may want to manage them.

Negative feelings can come when you wake up in a morning, when you talk with somebody. In any different forms, they are coming from the interactions with the outside world or inside world and it is the result of the difference between your identity and your perceived identity. If your identity is not well recognised, you tend to have negative emotions.
Therefore, we can manage that by still being ourselves and manage the negative feelings.

1st step: ACKNOWLEDGING knowing that you can change it, and it is a learning process, it has nothing to do with your true best self. It is exactly as doing exercise to gain muscles. The more you practice, the more you get better at it.

Ack that negative feelings don’t move you towards the person you want to be, don’t build up your relationships or better your life.

2nd step:  PAUSE to skip the impulsive self

Anytime you tend to respond in a situation with negative feelings, just pause. Instead of using the impulsive self, use your intentional self to respond.

Just take an example, think about a time you just said something and you felt bad about what you said. Simply, the intentional self is more calm and less impulsive.

3rd step: PAUSE longer to connect with your best self

Your highest self will react

Any day you think about a moment that you said something to somebody and you feel oh my god, I was mean. The longer the gap between simulating the situation to the intentional self, you tend to see the situation better. When you step back, you see there should not be any anger in that situation. Or just think about now, you read a situation of somebody gets super angry, you may not feel as angry as them. If you are, you need to practice more to change it.

Just ask your self, if you are in peace and fresh, would you re-act the same.

4th step: PAUSE to think from other aspects

Have you ever thought the situation is not as bad as you think.

The person may be not mean what you thought.

Only we think from other aspects, we can see the picture better. If somebody hits you on the road because he is hurry, he may go to meet somebody in urgent.

Maybe there are some mistranslation there.

5th step: Replacing negative feelings with positive feelings by creating positive feelings 

Download doc: 


Transformation story: 

Are you letting 'negative feelings' build a wall between your BEST self and the world?
‘What are you doing here?’, I was walking pass by the lab in my university and saw An, a friend who I met in a social meeting 3 months ago. We clicked in at the first time we met as long-lost friends. It was a hurry meeting so I didn’t stay and talked with An but I had a strong feeling that we would meet again and we may establish a great friendship. An is a loveable person with a warm and bright smile and vibrant energy. 
This time I found An different. Her smile and energy were still there but were hold behind a wall. The wall created a gap between her self and the outside world. I felt she wanted to keep the wall there and not talking to people. Despite what I felt, I went to hug her and said how much happy to see her in my university which was far from where she lived and worked. 
The hug helped. She smiled. But the wall was still there. I said by to her and went to a meeting. I came back to the lab and didn’t see An anymore. I sit there for a while. Suddenly I saw An came back and prepared to leave. I went to say bye to her. She was skeptical. I hugged her stronger and said how much happy to see her again and asked about her new year. The wall started felling down. She started telling me about some problems have been going on in her life recently. 
And we met the next day to share with each other. 
An shared about her anxiety and panic she had during the last month. She used to have a great life style with networking, doing sports and loving her job. She felt she lost her self recently without knowing it. 
We wrote down the transition time to find the triggers for the shift in her feeling. And knowing that if negative feelings can come then positive feelings can. Knowing that negative feelings can be accumulated then positive feelings can be. We wrote an action plan to bring her best self back or to let her bring her best self out there everyday by breaking the wall that negative feelings built. 
Step 1: How to describe your BEST self, the one you want to live up to everyday (such as present, passionate, etc)
Step 2: Using HOOK (setting alarm, writing it on a paper, setting on your laptop’s wallpaper, etc) to remind your self living up to that person everyday
Step 3: Using ACCOUNTABILITY (mentor, positive community, etc) to keep you on track
Step 4: Keep GRATITUDE journal: write 3 things you feel thankful for everyday
Step 5: DO 3 things differently everyday to improve your skills, your jobs, or your health
The one thing cannot be rated is your CHOICE to practice it with consistency.